Is there?

If you know of one, please let me know right away.

Please.

Seriously.

I beg you.

But so far my birthday isn't that happy...

Especially when you have boatloads of work you'd rather not do, and pain that's keeping you up all night.

So what else is new?

Change?

I'm sick of getting nothing every Christmas while everyone around me is spoiled with lavish gifts.

If there is any favor you can do me for this season, there's one thing I need most of all...

Money. Lots and lots of it.

Give me as much or as little as you want.

Now. Goddamn it.

Ready to be swept away.

SUNY New Paltz, that is, in New Paltz, NY. A quaint little college town, nice but not extraordinary like most of NYC, where I'm originally from. I'm 86.6 miles north of my old apartment in Astoria, Queens, and I'm homesick already. The most depressing part about today was saying goodbye, and I still can't get over it. My parents don't even want me back home, so if I ever go back to NYC to stay overnight (and I most likely will a lot in the coming months), I'm going to have to live like a homeless person, sleeping on the streets. I've done it once before, a long time ago after a heated argument with my parents--I ran away from home for a day and spent the night on 57th Street and 7th Avenue near a homeless man who called himself JC.

It's way past midnight right now, and my roommates are away doing Satan knows what. Thoughts have been racing through my head all day non-stop, so I'll be lucky if I manage to get any sleep tonight. Looks like that may not happen. I have to share a room with 2 people, and it's really small. I left a lot of my stuff at home, and I'm probably never going to see any of it again for a very long time.

The worst part about today was my textbooks. I could only find one used, and even that was expensive. The total cost? $485.00. Thinking about that number just makes me want to gag.

Well anyway, I guess I will try to go for an all-nighter tonight.

Not like there's anything else to do.

God damn them to hell.

Every time my phone rings, I prepare for the worst.

On a related note, I also received a prank call a week ago from some dumb shit guys who offered to give me a blowjob in exchange for 10 bucks. I don't know them nor do I know how they obtained my number.

Seems like I hardly ever get any legitimate calls anymore.

I went to my psychiatrist today for the first time since March. Apparently he's a rich guy who presumably has millions of dollars; his practice is on the 18th floor of a large luxury building overlooking Central Park. The reason I went to him is because for the past several months, there have been some changes in my behavior, including a higher level of aggression, agitation, distress, anxiety and hearing loud and deep voices in complete silence. Finally I couldn't take it anymore.

I took the elevator upstairs, walked into his office, waited until he got off the phone, detailed my symptoms, and answered a bunch of questions he asked me. This went on for well over a half an hour, and at the end?

He diagnosed me with schizophrenia.

Some people would be thrilled to be labeled as a schizophrenic, but I've gone through enough shit that this is the last thing I need.

After I was informed of my diagnosis, he was about to write me a prescription for Risperdal when I told him that I didn't want to take any SSRIs (which I've had past experiences with) or any other type of psychiatric drugs that are known to compromise libido. He didn't come up with an alternative treatment plan for me, so he told me to look for one myself and to find an experienced psychologist/psychotherapist. I saw a psychologist for a short time earlier this year, but our relationship ended a little while ago--mainly because it was a financial burden and she didn't help me that much. Then I left his office and went back home...now I'm trying to figure out what to do next.

I don't know how many fucking kids are outside my building, but they're all making me sick. Looking outside, there appears to be at least 20 and I don't know where the fuck they came from.

There aren't many things that enrage me more than hearing teenagers hoot and holler non-stop, and this bunch has been doing it for over 15 minutes. That's right, 15 minutes. I'm guessing they're all about 16 to 17 years old and they've been drinking a lot, but that's not a justifiable excuse to act like obnoxious delinquents. They're lucky I don't have a gun, otherwise I likely would've shot them by now.

Seriously, some of the kids I've seen in my neighborhood are really pushing my limits. A few weeks ago, I was looking outside one of my windows I caught two people (apparently black as far as I could tell) jumping on almost every car across one block. I had a kitchen knife in my hand and I was thinking about putting them down, but immediately afterwards, I heard sirens and the two shitheads were taken away to the local precinct.

I hate kids.